Friday, March 26, 2010

Republican Party Attempts New Strategy in Mandating a Voting System For Future Bills

In a desperate attempt to "revise" American values the Republican Party announced today a new model for the passage of all legislative action in the House, Senate and Executive Branch of US Government. In a shrewd move Republican House Members have drawn up a bill to mandate a voting system of "Yea" or "Nay" for the passing of law as well as citizens being required to vote for all future elected officials. The bill, never seen much less heard of before by the party and its base will require by law for citizens to register to "cast a vote" on the second Tuesday of November, the terms of "elected officials" to be figured out.) Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConell said in a recent press conference:
"Even the President will have to be voted into office along with members of this body and the House of Representatives. This way the American people will know for sure who they want to lead their country. If more people vote for a guy or woman than they do for the other guy or woman then he/she gets to become the Head of State or Senator or Representative. The vote will be cast in a thing called a "booth" or "voting booth" ....or some such thing like that."

When questioned by reporters about this new mandate McConell shouted back:
"Well lets see who can be radical and progressive this time."
When The Kitchen Synk asked how they had become senators, John McCain of Arizona spoke up and apologized for not really being sure but would get back to us. Things did get dicey when a member of the crowd shouted out:
"You were voted in you ass***e. "
McCain shot back:
"Now that type of language is totally uncalled for in a"democracy." That by the way is what we're gonna call this thing my friends. And I might add that once we have this thing together the way we and the American people want it, we'll repeal it and vote it in another year!! and then repeal it again and then ..."
The senator was cut off by McConell and pulled back by the arm by an aide dressed in a white coat who then escorted him from the hall as he waved and was overheard asking for his "beeniecopter" hat.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Rhode Island Bans Wallmart Expansion

Citizens of Rhode Island are considering a referendum vote to shut down the construction of the newly proposed Wallmart Gigantic Super Center citing that the new store would not fit within the state’s geographical boundaries. In a town hall meeting, voters, though grateful for the world’s largest retailer’s “Roll-Back” pricing, felt having to move to the surrounding states to live would prove too costly.

At a gathering at the Providence Civic Center, consumer advocate groups, environmental organizations and a standing-room-only crowd of concerned citizens voiced their objections to Wallmart’s board of directors. CEO Mike Duke said the plan included “moving coupons” to help defer the expenses of relocation and promised a fifty percent mark-down on any overstocked flat-screened televisions.

In the Q and A, following the meeting, Eric Spoover, a member of the grassroots organization, “Consumers Against Expansion Near Our Homes” suggested that “wouldn’t it be better if Wallmart chose a larger state like Delaware or better yet, Texas?”

Duke replied that plans were already underway to build in Delaware but that Texas was out of the question citing that in comparison to the state’s massive square milage it would not make the company’s Super Gigantic Centers seem any bigger than the Super Centers of which there were already some eleven thousand in the state and counting.

The meeting lasted close to three hours, and ended peacefully. In the parking lot I caught Spoover and asked if he was pleased with the outcome He responded “Yes. I think so” but scratching his head and looking a little nonplussed, he said that he “could not stop thinking about the deal on those flat-screened TVs.”

Coming next:

“Bin Laden Rocks Out!: Now With Thicker Beard, Taliban Tough-Guy Auditions for ZZ Top.”